GOP Lawmaker Burgess: "I've Seen 15 Week Fetuses Choking The Monkey"

GOP Rep.Michael Burgess of Texas, USA has endorsed a proposed ban on late term abortions with the observation that he has seen fetuses as early as 15 weeks old pleasuring themselves in the womb on ultrasound exams of pregnant women (Mr. Burgess is also an MD).
Oh Lord! As the great Harvey Korman eloquently put forth in the film Blazing Saddles " My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought, Careening through a cosmic vapor of invention". Just imagining the twist I could put on this makes me want to put my hands between my legs! But alas , I cannot. Why? Well just because I have no respect for politicians does not mean I do not fear them.Nor do I have much faith in their sense of humor. So what to do? I guess I will keep it real and say that this imbecile is further proof of the decline of the once great United States where morons are not only encouraged but actually get to lead!

Ludacris Attacked By Waiter In Atlanta Nightclub

It's reported that hip hop superstar Ludacris was recently attacked in an Atlanta nightclub. According to sources Ludacris and his entourage partied up the night at one of Atlanta's premier nightclubs, running up a tab into the several thousand dollar range but when it came time to tip the staff that catered to him all night, it was found that Ludacris left behind just 3 crumpled up dollar bills on the table. This so infuriated one staff member that he actually attacked the superstar with an empty bottle of Ripple. Cris was saved from serious injury by a member of his entourage who deflected the bottle at the last moment.

Chief Keef Arrested For 3rd Time In Month. Capone Record In Jeopardy

Rapper Chief Keef ( that's right ladies and gentlemen, Chief Keef) has been arrested in Chicago on trespassing charges. His arrest occurred shortly after a Skokie court appearance  where the rapper was given probation for driving 110 mph in a 55 mph zone. Chief's defense was that he confused the kilometer/miles per hour markings on the car's speedometer. After an hour of court recess the judge returned from his chambers and told Mr. Keef that while his explanation seemed highly plausible, ignorance of the law was no excuse and handed down a sentence of 6 months probation to the 17 year old.Earlier in the month the cop-magnet rapper felt the cuffs for smoking a joint.
Shortly following the announcement of Keef's 3rd arrest in a month came news that Keef may be on his  way to making history. According to John D. Buff, noted Chicago historian the only person ever arrested more than 3 times in 1 month in Chicago was the infamous gangster Al Capone. According to Buff, Capone was arrested 4 times in the month of April, 1924 for urinating in the street, littering, selling apples without a permit and for sticking a screw driver so violently through a man's eye that it exited the back of his head. Unlike Keef, all 4 charges against Capone were dismissed.

Lil Wayne Cries 'It's All A Mistake! It Was A Fake Flag!"

Rapper Lil Wayne has said a video of him stomping on an American flag was taken out of context. Wayne states that he was actually shooting a movie about an emaciated Ethiopian who fell off a boat while attempting to sail to the United States. In the movie, Wayne's character, ulack Shack clings floating half unconscious to a plastic beer cooler that incredibly bumps up against a US aircraft carrier where moments before a fighter jet had landed and deposited then President Bush who went on to give his now famous Iraq "Mission Accomplished' speech. Startled, Wayne's character finds a ladder and begins to climb up deck. On reaching deck ulack finds that the pounding waves had ripped up his clothes. Attempting to find a spot that is out of sight he slips and and gets tangled up in an American flag that had been torn from it's moorings by the sea's high winds. That is where Wayne's troubles begin. "I didn't stomp no damn flag! It was all part of the movie. I was supposed to get tangled up and wrapped up in the thing. Then George Bush is supposed to see me and mistake me for an American Immaculate Conception delivered by the flag.  I even asked them (the producers) and they told me not to worry but that it wasn't really an American flag but a Puerto Rican flag with a few extra stars painted on it'.
Lil Wayne was said to be hanging out at an undisclosed location " till the damn heat dies down"

Mariah Gives Birth Off Coast Of Italy

Songstress Mariah Carey has given birth to a 22 year old Somali off the coast of Italy, sources are reporting. It was also reported that, incredibly, she had no idea she was pregnant in the first place. A source close to the singer, who wished not to be identified stated Carey told her, "I was climbing the ladder when it felt as if I passed a little, ya know, gas. Next thing I know I hear Mama!Mama! being shouted from the water behind me". Both Mariah and her newborn which she named Mediterranean were said to be resting comfortably at a local hospital.

Ozzy Osborne and Wife Sharon Back Together Again

Reports are that Ozzy Osborne and estranged wife Sharon are living together again following a separation caused by Ozzy's incessant drug and alcohol problems. Reports were that Ozzy had cleaned himself up and was begging Sharon to have him back. But Sharon has revealed the truth about why she agreed to move back in with the infamous rock star, " When I left I thought it was only a matter of time before the petrified son-of-a-bitch would knock over and die. But despite my fears and God's better judgement, he's still breathing, drugging and drinking. In fact the old bastard was having the time of his life. I never saw him so happy. That's when I decided that enough was enough and forced Ozzy to move back in with me, alive but miserable!".
 Ozzy did indeed appear to be having the time of his life, clubbing with Justin Bieber one night

and staying around past closing at the infamous Badda Bing Strip Club in New Jersey owned by reputed mafia boss Tony 'The Actor" Soprano (center left) another

But the good days appear to be over for the Oz man. Just this afternoon it was reported that Sharon and Ozzy will both be guests on the talk show The View, a daytime show where 4 ugly women spend the morning doing nothing more than kicking up some dust and complaining about their shared inability to land a husband. Added Sharon, " Heaven would have been fun compared to the Hell I intend to make of his life".